Torment of an Angel
by TheLastCyborg
Summary: Castiel inner monologue based loosely around the opening scene of season 6 episode 20. One shot. Please read and review :)


_My name is Castiel. I have been on this world since the beginning of time. I have witnessed the start of wars and the end of them, the start of species, and the end of them. I am an angel of the Lord, and I am a good person...or is it _was_?_

The pond. It is so calm, so still. Can anything ever be so calm, so still? I see pale blue orbs floating, just out of reach. Under the surface, perhaps, a whole other word lies, undisturbed, unbroken, uncorrupted. This world was once so, it was perfect, uncontaminated, and pure. What went wrong? My father...

No. I will not think of him. I refuse, as he had no right. I was only acting under his will, if not his orders. Why would he desert me? They deserved it; they had broken all of the commandments! What sort of almighty Lord would let that go unpunished? They would mock him, laugh at him, go against everything we stand to believe in!

Perhaps however, I was too harsh in my lessons? I made an example of them, to ensure that no one would follow their paths, but at what cost? I had only ever wanted to please my Father, that was all I had ever wanted! Then maybe it is not mankind that has been corrupted, but me? Do I perhaps love the Lord too much; want to please him too much? Has it gotten to the point at which I cannot turn back? Am I no better than the fallen? Am I no better than Lucifer?

But then again, they had sinned, they were sinners! Sinners have no right to power, no right to preach the word of God! It was hypocritical to let them stand there, to let them command others to follow the commandments, to be good Christians, good followers of God. Am I not the prime example of a good follower? It is in my very being to follow the Lord, to follow all he says and does, without question! When he had planned to wipe out ALL of mankind with the floods, it was I that suggested to inform one man and his family, one pure follower, so only the sinners would be punished and the innocent would live on. And this is my reward? I was only carrying out his work, completing the uncompleted, dealing with what had not been dealt with.

But perhaps the Lord had seen that to wipe out all of creation, to make it start from scratch, maybe he had seen that it was a foolish plan, to wipe out such beauty, such naivety. He is not an unjust Lord, after all, as he has not banished me completely. Oh my Father, why have you deserted me? I have seen the error of my ways, why do you refuse to show me your forgiveness?

Angels are not forgiven, they are forgotten. I am one of the forgotten now then perhaps, so why should I pray for forgiveness? Why should I beg for mercy? They should have begged me for mercy; they should have got on their knees and _worshipped with their last breath! _But did they? No, of course not! They cried for help, they cried for weapons, they cried for me to stop. But for mercy? For God? Not even a syllable was uttered, not even a passing thought.

I now see that there were other ways, other methods to make them see, make them understand. I did not need to make an example of them; I needed only to make them understand. Whatever must my siblings think of me? I now understand my punishment, but should more not have been dealt? I am the angel of Hope, yet in this situation even I can see that there is no hope left for me.

However, the feeling I felt while undergoing the task, how everyone stared at me in fear, cowered from me in panic, there was a certain rush to be felt, a thrill perhaps. The power I felt, the power I still feel, it was overwhelming, it is overwhelming! Is this then, what it is like to be God? To have the power to give and take life as you please? I feel no guilt for what I have done, I feel pride, pride that I have served my Father, but hatred, so much hatred towards the Father I live only to serve, only to please, hatred towards the fact that I am being punished for my servitude. Must these _lowly beasts _mean more to my Father than I do? I do not need him anymore; I have found the true meaning of freedom. To cleanse the world of sinners.

Humans are such curious creatures. They still tried to save the man after it was quite clear he was gone, as most of his blood was on my clothes and hands. The blood was on my hands. His blood is still on my hands. I must wash it off; I must cleanse myself of their blood. The pond will suffice, but what are these pale blue orbs? They are glowing stronger, brighter, following me as I move. Are they judging me, condemning me? Are they showing me that I must now sacrifice myself to gain redemption?

No! I have done nothing wrong! These lights, they are simply lights, nothing more. They have no power to make me do that which I do not want to do.

But what if that is the point? What if my Father is giving me a second chance? What if I can cleanse my hands, not just of the blood, but of the sins? The Priest was only but one of the sins I have committed today, there were many more. 19 sinners I cleansed today, but they were treated cruelly, unjustly. I now understand the consequences.

The consequences were set by God however; the same God that deserted me now has the audacity to punish me? I feel no guilt, I should feel no guilt. I am no fallen angel. I am no Lucifer. I am Castiel, the angel of Hope, and now the angel of cleansing. I will cleanse this world of sin, until I take my final...

But wait. Is it not stated in the commandments 'Thou shall not kill'?

_My name is Castiel. I have been on this planet since the beginning of time. I have witnessed the start of wars and the end of them, the start of species, and the end of them. I am an angel of the Lord, and I was a good person. But now, the pale blue eyes of the souls I murdered will lead me not to redemption, but to pay for my sins. _


End file.
